THIS BLOG NEEDS MAJOR OVERHAUL

i call on all the generous forces of the whole universe to conspire and make my blog sizzle! i need a new format! either teach me how to do it or have one techie come my way... it will be a bonus if the help comes free of charge =)

the wait begins now.

did this

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

wait

dear m,

wait when my system has flushed out all the alcohol i have drank last night (3 bottles of san mig light... not that much... lol), when my body has recovered from lack of sleep (bimba, teresa and i stayed until 2 am) and my mind has cleared (it's foggy at the moment!), i will write something for you.

you have a wealth of experiences, i am just only beginning to see the surface. but my dear, you are far more precious than you admit you are... like what i told you last night, "hindi nakakabawas sa pagkatao mo kung aaminin mo sa sarili mo na karapatdapat kang mahalin at magmahal..."

i guess there will be more late night talks and drinks among us. i am looking forward to them. as i listen to you pour out your angst, i am also being reminded of my personal issues... we're all the same, m... we all have issues, we have our brokenness... we talk about them, laugh about them, cry about them... but hell, here we are, becoming better persons just the same.

far into the night

when all else has been said and done
and there is no point of going back
no sense in relieving the past,

when memories are but tiny shards
of light barely seen from a distance
and the songs have lost their meanings,

when all the bridges were burned and
all roads lead to nowhere
but where we are now,

when the last of the pictures
are torn in two
and the doors are shut with finality....

remind me,
please do remind me
whose turn it is to leave.

i’d take the first step out
with a heavy heart
but i will not look back

i would know when to turn to the sunset
and fade with the light
and far into the night.

one productive sunday

it's 6.06pm... hmm, time to do my what i did today list. here goes:

• overslept. woke up 11am
• chat with bingcas, about our brain cells. hers - tunaw na. mine - pinkish for being unused; her resto; pasta with tuyo, pasta with mango, etc
• opened paypal account finally
• got reacquainted with the tv. watched ccn's world untold stories, hbo movie (half of it)
• read some blogs
• slept again
• took lunch and merienda
• craved for chocolate, did not get it

now on to my to do list for today:

1. clean room; dust book cases; clean windows; change curtains
2. put in order my clothes
3. arrange materials for scrapbooking
4. upload photos (facebook)
5. scan old photos
6. water plants in my room
7. cook pasta
8. sleep
9. sleep
10. sleep
    

well... i did the last three... not bad. lol...

he didn't send me a christmas card

the mailman might have failed to deliver my card. but he knows me personally...
----
he didn't send me a christmas card.

perhaps he had grown tired sending me one of his christmas cards, and scribbling the questions, where are you now and what are you doing with your life?

i would answer in march or april. fill my one page letter with stories that say a little of how i am or what i am going through in life. he would send an obligatory reply, of course, fill it also with stories of his days that tell nothing about how he really is.

the next year, the same process is repeated. both of us skirting to answer the question. perhaps we are afraid to even voice out the answer, unwilling to admit and hesitant to share.

what had kept us from revealing how we felt for each other? we looked into each other's eyes and for a fleeting moment, we both knew it was real.

but reality stepped in and we waved goodbye to each other instead, in fact, we were saying goodbye minutes after we met.

there are friendships that withstand time and distance. but people come and go, we grow, we change, we evolve. so do friendships and relationship. some fall by the wayside, some shift to other forms, others develop and mature.

but there are friendships that are hidden in our hearts, not diminished by time and distance and yet not nurtured enough to grow and take flight.

bungled it bigtime

haha... i messed this site! now i can no longer get the old look back *sobs*

intimacy .... life! (reponse to GTA's post)

two words jumped out of the post – life and intimacy. i can’t process my thoughts now – why these words? they reflect the state of my life? or what is lacking in my existence? beats me.

what can i say about life? what is my take on intimacy?

my life is ... it’s the like the many pieces of a puzzle that are falling into place. each day i find a piece that fits snugly into the assembled parts, swiftly, effortlessly, it just fits. on some days though, no matter how hard i try, i just cannot recognize a single piece that would fit. frustration builds and it is easy to give in to irritation.

but slowly, the puzzle takes shape. little by little, my life unfolds. this journey takes me inward. it’s hardly a joyful ride but the surprises that await me at every turn makes it worthwhile.

i guess, i am learning to like myself more. tough act! it took me sooo many years to say this, after many bumps, many hits and misses, many scrapes and scars, many tears, many sighs, may heartaches, many hangovers, many spilled guts, many broken dreams, many failed friendships ... i have it all, hoarded them all and neatly placed them in my shoebox. looking back, i am glad i have taken that route. at the end of the day, i can look at myself in the mirror and not wince at the face that greets me. on some days i feel like saying, “old girl, you’ve come a long way.” although there are days when i say, “you can’t have it all... but tomorrow, you can start again.”

and now, intimacy ... for someone who has chosen to lead a life alone without a partner, i guess it’s kinda foreign for me to speak of intimacy. after all, intimacy is defined within the confines of a relationship of a couple, specifically, between a man and a woman. or to be politically correct about it, let me include between a man and another man, between a woman and another woman.

but having lived my life alone thus far, without sounding defensive over my choice, i can say that intimacy is possible. i can even venture to say that there is something romantic about a girl – no, woman! – sitting alone in a crowded room (oh, what a cliché!), so sure of herself, completely absorbed but not detached from the world. i guess i am defining intimacy here in terms of being at peace with myself, the sense of being complete but not totally, for one evolves; the sense of being open to a new experience, to a new relationship, but not totally dependent on it; the sense of being able to give selflessly without feeling drained more than the need to take so as to fill a vacuum within.

at the moment i can say that if i did not have solid relationships with my family and friends, living alone would have rendered me “lifeless”. and above all, this i know for sure, that if i did not have a firm grasp of my connection to the Divine, my life would have been devoid of any meaning. i guess, this is also intimacy. in my terms. the kind of intimacy that is wrought from relationships and friendships that i have chosen to keep, maintain and cherish.

it is never easy, there are so many layers of defences and fears that have to be broken down for us to be intimate with others. sometimes distance, absence and silence can bring you closer together, other times, proximity can become a cold wind that chills, such is the irony of relationships. but it is always a joy to be in total synch with a person you care about.
it is this sense of coming to terms with myself – warts and all – that i can see in the people close to my heart, and at people in general, the goodness in each one. after all, we are all touched by the Divine.

as usual, i just do not know if i am making sense, i can only laugh at my feeble attempt. i have wasted too many words in trying to express the barest of thoughts. so, shift through my words and perhaps you find some gems of a meaning.

my room is messy

my room is messy. i used to joke that the state of one's bedroom reflects the owner's state of mind.

lately, my nephews had taken a liking to my room, making it their favorite hang-out. my bed and pillows, my books and magazines, my computer and other gadgets had become fair game to them.

i do not have a very neat and organized room, but i know where things are, and once moved, i get upset. i want everything within reach, in less than a minute.

i would be rudely awaken by a loud "hi, tita!" and a heavy plop on my bed, a pillow would be taken from my embrace, and the space beside me suddenly occupied.

they used to avoid my room when they were young. now they have discovered that my bed and many pillows are perhaps better than theirs, so they play with their psp on my bed. a nephew hunts for snacks in my room, he knows what cabinet to raid. but the main attraction is my computer, where they spend many hours playing dota or garena or whatever game is in at the moment.

so these days i come home to a room in disarray: pillows all over the bed, bedsheets out of place, floormat not on its usual place... ah, what a messy room.

but it's a happy messy room. in the absence of their mother, at least my room has provided them some kind of solace. the mess is about family connections.

about weddings

a very dear friend is thinking if she'd marry or not.

what's my take on this?
none.
so i resort to humor.

look what i found in docsontheweb.blogspot.com.