intimacy .... life! (reponse to GTA's post)

two words jumped out of the post – life and intimacy. i can’t process my thoughts now – why these words? they reflect the state of my life? or what is lacking in my existence? beats me.

what can i say about life? what is my take on intimacy?

my life is ... it’s the like the many pieces of a puzzle that are falling into place. each day i find a piece that fits snugly into the assembled parts, swiftly, effortlessly, it just fits. on some days though, no matter how hard i try, i just cannot recognize a single piece that would fit. frustration builds and it is easy to give in to irritation.

but slowly, the puzzle takes shape. little by little, my life unfolds. this journey takes me inward. it’s hardly a joyful ride but the surprises that await me at every turn makes it worthwhile.

i guess, i am learning to like myself more. tough act! it took me sooo many years to say this, after many bumps, many hits and misses, many scrapes and scars, many tears, many sighs, may heartaches, many hangovers, many spilled guts, many broken dreams, many failed friendships ... i have it all, hoarded them all and neatly placed them in my shoebox. looking back, i am glad i have taken that route. at the end of the day, i can look at myself in the mirror and not wince at the face that greets me. on some days i feel like saying, “old girl, you’ve come a long way.” although there are days when i say, “you can’t have it all... but tomorrow, you can start again.”

and now, intimacy ... for someone who has chosen to lead a life alone without a partner, i guess it’s kinda foreign for me to speak of intimacy. after all, intimacy is defined within the confines of a relationship of a couple, specifically, between a man and a woman. or to be politically correct about it, let me include between a man and another man, between a woman and another woman.

but having lived my life alone thus far, without sounding defensive over my choice, i can say that intimacy is possible. i can even venture to say that there is something romantic about a girl – no, woman! – sitting alone in a crowded room (oh, what a cliché!), so sure of herself, completely absorbed but not detached from the world. i guess i am defining intimacy here in terms of being at peace with myself, the sense of being complete but not totally, for one evolves; the sense of being open to a new experience, to a new relationship, but not totally dependent on it; the sense of being able to give selflessly without feeling drained more than the need to take so as to fill a vacuum within.

at the moment i can say that if i did not have solid relationships with my family and friends, living alone would have rendered me “lifeless”. and above all, this i know for sure, that if i did not have a firm grasp of my connection to the Divine, my life would have been devoid of any meaning. i guess, this is also intimacy. in my terms. the kind of intimacy that is wrought from relationships and friendships that i have chosen to keep, maintain and cherish.

it is never easy, there are so many layers of defences and fears that have to be broken down for us to be intimate with others. sometimes distance, absence and silence can bring you closer together, other times, proximity can become a cold wind that chills, such is the irony of relationships. but it is always a joy to be in total synch with a person you care about.
it is this sense of coming to terms with myself – warts and all – that i can see in the people close to my heart, and at people in general, the goodness in each one. after all, we are all touched by the Divine.

as usual, i just do not know if i am making sense, i can only laugh at my feeble attempt. i have wasted too many words in trying to express the barest of thoughts. so, shift through my words and perhaps you find some gems of a meaning.